Tag Archive | "economy"

Recession Forces Upper Class to Flirt with Mediocrity


NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s top wine bars on Tuesday. Read the full story

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Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”


AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards for public schools, the Texas school board has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum that would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks. Read the full story

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U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has embarked on an innovative overseas real estate auction. “It’s true,” said embattled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “We’re selling individual states to foreign debtors.” Read the full story

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California Professors Compare 4% Pay Cut to Holocaust


Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut backs in the state’s higher education budget, including reductions in the number of courses offered, tuition increases, and a 4% pay cut for teaching professors. Outraged professors compared the pay cut to World War II Nazi Holocaust of 6 million Jews, the Rape of Nan-king, and the burning of the Library at Alexandria, among other historical tragedies. Read the full story

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Tips on Keeping Your Job in a Sucky Economy


Well I am still employed! So things can’t be too bad. Every day while having my coffee and donuts, I read about massive layoffs and wonder if the ax will ever fall over here. So today I am going to offer some valuable tips to the working men and woman of America on how to look busy at work so you don’t get your lazy assets fired. Read the full story

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Detroit Dismantled And Moved To Chicago


What is left of the city of Detroit was dismantled and shipped to Illinois this week. The Motor City, long beset by declines in the automotive industry and general economy, has given up the ghost as a separate city entity and will be rebuilt as a new suburb of Chicago called ‘Floyd’. The once proud Midwestern City that saw its heyday as the center of American automotive might has long languished from the onslaught of foreign cars that are smaller, more compact and reasonably priced, much like the foreigners themselves.

The whole endeavor is a slap in the face to the remaining Detroitonians. Read the full story

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Simon Cowell to Leave American Idol for Walmart


HOLLYWOOD, CA — Wednesday afternoon, American Idol sensational judge Simon Cowell announced that concluding the up and coming season he would leave the popular show. The announcement didn’t come as much of a surprise to the entertainment industry or the American Public.

“It was a long time coming. He was ruining his career anyways,” says Alexis Riggins, a diehard American Idol fan. Read the full story

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Special Hell for CEOs Created


God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present worldwide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a really unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

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Debating Progressives


Question: With the CRU files leak, do you still believe the climate science is not settled?

Response: You (expletive deleted) son of a (expletive deleted). Did you learn that from Glenn Beck? That (expletive deleted). Anybody who can’t see the science is settled is a flat earther. Are you stupid? No, I don’t have any facts to back up my argument. However, I do have a copy of the IPCC report that I use as a door stop and I watched Al Gore win the Oscar. Read the full story

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Successful Corporate Excuses For Being Late To Work


My Excuses For Being Late To Work

Welcome to my world. This is my first of hopefully many columns about life in the workplace. My column is dedicated to everyday workers. Thank you Mr. CEO, but I can’t event count how much you’re making. Read the full story

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Ass Kissing In The Workplace


This month I would like to share with you my observations about brown nosing in the office. By brown nosing, I mean ass kissing. The reason that I state that these are my observations is to be clear that this is not my behavior, but rather the behavior of my coworkers as observed here at the hospital in New Jersey. For some good definitions of brown nosing, see this link at Urban Dictionary.com. Read the full story

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New Construction Soars as Contractors Build without Buyers


Houston (GlossyNews Exclusive) — Housing starts all over the country have soared in the last two weeks as contractors went back to work building with a vengance. Only problem is — there are no buyers. Already over 200 general contractors, in Texas alone, have started projects which will eventually yield 12,000 housing units, two schools and a casino on an Indian reservation. Over 8000 new jobs have been created, although not one dollar of salary has been generated. Read the full story

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Congress Adds Goats to New Economic Stimulus Plan


WASHINGTON – In a continuing effort to avoid recession, House leaders and the White House were pleased to announce plans for a new economic stimulus package that would include a goat, a sack of dry beans, and an acre of farmland.

“People don’t need money, they need bread, or in this case, beans and a goat,” Read the full story

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Salvation Army: More Bell Ringers Going Mad This Season


The Salvation Army has reported a higher than normal number of Christmas bell ringers going mad this holiday season.  Every year there are always a few who go loopy from the constant ringing of their little hand bells and the stress of keeping up a smile and good spirits while having to stand outside in one place in the cold for hours while mothers with their snotty brats walk buy making rude remarks and cars splash filthy mud over them. Read the full story

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Will Queen Elizabeth Soon Grace the US Dollar?


Where can the good news feasibly begin when the Rainbow starts and ends in crocks of festering shite?

The UN’s Climate Conference in Copenhagen has been pre-cursed and already daubed a well-deserved full seven shades of corrupt and deceitful shit-brown hue since the recent – though timely – exposure of the purposeful manipulation and falsification of historical meteorological records and global warming data feloniously committed by greedy academics and Read the full story

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Geithner’s Pie Chart Shows “Increase” (in quotation marks)


Washington, DC — In an amazing, some would say astounding, turn of events in the world, the Treasury pie chart has begun to show increases. Not quite enough to erase the decreases that have plagued our country – nay, the world at large – but a definite sign that a turnaround is in the works. Read the full story

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