Congress Adds Goats to New Economic Stimulus Plan

WASHINGTON – In a continuing effort to avoid recession, House leaders and the White House were pleased to announce plans for a new economic stimulus package that would include a goat, a sack of dry beans, and an acre of farmland.

“People don’t need money, they need bread, or in this case, beans and a goat,” said Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. in a press conference last Thursday. “The goat will be good eating for sure, but we strongly advise letting it pasture on the acre of land so it can be shorn for fiber, and in the case of nannies, milked for yoghurt, and cheese.”

Individuals with adjusted gross incomes under $75,000 and couples with adjusted gross incomes under $150,000 will receive a female goat for the added benefit of milk production, while those earning over that amount will receive a billy. Those earning above a yet undetermined amount will not be eligible for the stimulus goat, but will still receive beans and land. The proposed acres of farmland will be located in the Midwest Region, particularly in Kansas and that state right above it that nobody talks about much.

In order to protect their fiefdoms, the IRS has issued a warning to all vassals receiving land to avoid squatters and robber barons. Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the package was aimed at serfs “and to those who aspire to be serfs.” She described it as “timely, targeted, and a welcome return of the American people to Thomas Jefferson’s ideal of the Yeoman farmer.”

While the agreement on the new stimulus package was hailed by former President Bush as a bipartisan triumph, there are still critics of the plan who believe the “goat, land, and sack” is just another feel good policy that will ultimately fail to affect any changes. With goat prices falling this quarter, many economists feel the federal government should beef up the benefits. “Two acres at least!” said Nobel economic laureate Joseph Stiglitz. “And there’s no sense in providing a goat if you don’t also provide a companion goat for it to breed with. No kids equals no green for hard-plowing Americans.”

Secretary Paulson hopes to address these concerns in a letter to be mailed out next week to all proposed recipients of the stimulus package, outlining various concerns such as how to hydrate dry legumes (in water) and how to care for a living animal. “For those who think a goat, an acre of land, and a sack of dry beans are not enough,” said Paulson, “consider that the sack in which you receive the beans is a tool in itself. It can be used to help carry in the autumn harvest.”

Among others who feel the package will not be enough include a handful of congressional African Americans who have demanded the long promise of 40 acres and a mule.

Democratic leaders said that to speed the economic rescue goat they would work to bypass the usual committee process and go straight to muster. There is unilateral hope that the goat package will soften an economic downturn, forestall a recession, and take care of some nasty patches of capeweed.

Author: Michael Wakcher

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