Media release: Monaco, 0800hrs, Energy giant BP, (formerly British Petroleum) has announced an offer of support to the Japanese government overnight, pledging to fully rebuild the nation’s damaged nuclear reactors on undisclosed but “very favorable” terms.

Former CEO Tony Hayward, who was deposed after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, has returned to the company in the newly created position of Chief Explortation Officer, bringing with him years of unrivaled disaster management expertise.

“Although nuclear technologies are not at the forefront of what we do, remember our name isn’t ‘British Petroleum’ any longer, but instead ‘Beyond Petroleum’, and nuclear energy is certainly that.

“In my years as the CEO of BP and owner of a racing yacht, I have compiled vast resources for dealing with any sort of natural disaster, or man-made ones like PR,” he explained.

“For instance, prior to last Spring, we hadn’t the foggiest idea of how to even think of fixing an oil spill, but we’ve learned a bit. It is the same proven adaptive management systems that I bring to the nation of Japan.”

Asked if his offer was prompted by past environmental guilt, Mr Hayward paused before dissembling, “British Petroleum is only looking towards the future.”

Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan, who currently oversees a combo platter of natural disasters, a shrinking economy and a record national debt of more than 200% of GDP, had no hesitation in welcoming the gesture from BP. “Not only do we, the Japanese people, accept Mr Hayward’s gracious offer, I personally look forward to working with him as soon as practicably possible.”

Mr Hayward indicated an emergency rapid-response team would be assembled to address the possibility of a full-scale meltdown “possibly by July or August.”

NOTE: This disaster is still unfolding, and the toll of dead, missing and injured is truly staggering. Please consider making a contribution, even a small one, to an organization like The Red Cross or UNICEF.

Tokyo, 730am. The global community was reeling in shock today after multiple disasters struck the Tohoku region of Japan in the North West Pacific Ocean. An earthquake followed by a tsunami, followed by a nuclear meltdown. As local Tohoku farmer Tonka Asahi put it, “We Nippon used to tsunami and earthcrake and radiation. But all thlee at once? Give us a blake!” Read the full story

In the aftermath of Hurricane Tomas’ further devastation to the beleaguered Caribbean hellhole, an emergency meeting of the UN has officially declared Haiti the ‘Kenny’ of the global community.

Scholars and UN watchdogs call the unanimous decree historical, unprecedented and confusing, as it’s the only time Libya and Israel have voted alike on anything, and it’s also a label few in the developing world are familiar with. Read the full story

Lhasa, Tibet – Glossy News – The Dalai Lama has spoken up and taken credit for the recent earthquake that hit China. Citing recent ‘bad karma’ over the suppression of Tibet’s population, the Dalai Lama said he would pray for the victims, but hates the Chinese leadership for years of brutal suppression. He took credit and responsibility for the ‘Great Jump’ that sparked the earthquake. Read the full story

Somewhere (GlossyNews) — Wednesday was a hotbed of psychic activity as readings poured in from all over the country from psychics warning that “something big” is coming down the pike. They could not hone in on exactly what it was, but said “it is big, really big.” Read the full story

Tonopah, NV Reuters — Humor news media titan Glossy News has won the Pulitzer in this year’s newly added “Best exploitation of a disaster” category. The committee cited GNN’s round the clock coverage from earthquake ravaged Hawaii. Media watchers were generally positive on the announcement, while acknowledging the race was always ‘too close to call.’

Washington Post’s Howard Kurtz said, “Exploiting disasters for higher ratings, well it’s our bread & butter, right? Privately I thought Geraldo had the edge for his Tiger Woods coverage. I mean, Geraldo is a disaster all by himself, so there was always chance for a double win. But there’s always next year.” Read the full story

THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object lesson intended to teach humans not to tolerate bigoted, ranting nutjobs.

Robertson’s most recent tirade attributing a devastating 7.0 earthquake to a pact made between Satan and the entire island nation of Haiti seems to have precipitated the enlightening declaration made by the Almighty. Read the full story

SANTIAGO de CHILE, Chile (GlossyNews)– Officials from Chile’s Earthquake Preparedness and Disaster Management Authority expressed concern today that the country would not attract as much media attention as Haiti, thereby reducing the plane loads of aid and barrage of goodwill text messages from celebrities around the world. Read the full story

HILO, HI (GlossyNews) — When civil defense sirens roused Hawaiians from sleep on Saturday morning, the threat of a potentially destructive tsunami was on its way. In an impressive response, Hawaii’s scientists, government officials, first-responders and citizens showed exemplary calm under duress, which led to successful evacuation efforts. Read the full story

LABADEE, Haiti — There’s an old Haitian proverb: “Behind the mountains, there are mountains.”

Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines by the Haitian government. Read the full story

Programming ceased today at the popular 700 Club network, as Pat Robertson was rushed to the hospital. The 79 year old televangelist complained of “like needles sticking in me all over, particularly in the crotch area.” The attack came as the religous leader was taping part 2 of an ongoing expose on Voodoo and tectonic plate activity in Haiti. Read the full story