NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated.

The word came from Under Assistant Treasury Secretary David Cassidy today, simultaneous with deployment of the SEC’s elite SWAT CPA force. Cassidy predicted the G&R perimeter would be secured quickly, and then detailed the reasons behind the operation. Read the full story

San Pueblo, CA (GlossyNews) — In a recent interview with Glossy News, Yoko Ono admitted, finally, that she was responsible for the break up of The Beatles.

In an interesting side note, Ono went on to say that she was also responsible for the breakup of the Partridge Family and the soft rock group Bread. Read the full story

Carmel, CA (GlossyNews) — In a blast from the past, CBS is planning a new version of the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour starring recently masculated Chaz Bono as “Sonny.”

David Cassidy, who will also co-star on the show, says CBS was lucky to find a cadre of writers from the original series who are busy resurrecting what they hope will be a repeat of the original show’s success. “Yes, we are lucky and excited to be included in the CBS fall line-up. If you close your eyes it’s like you were whisked back in time when you hear it. It’s like coming home again.” Said Cassidy. Read the full story

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — TIME magazine’s cover photo this week of an aged man grasping a pair of testicles was incorrectly interpreted as portraying a Vatican official. It was in fact Reuben Kincaid, American Airlines’ spokesman for the bold new PTC (Placate the Cattle) initiative. The photo was taken by America-hating, closet Islamist Annie Leibovitz. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Troubled 23-year-old celebrity Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against E-Trade for allegedly using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing baby with a substance abuse problem. The substance in question being milk. Read the full story

HAZLEHURST, MS (GlossyNews) — Sources close to GlossyNews confirm that today one of the most influential voices in Delta Blues has gone to heaven. Or so we hope.

The oldest child of sharecroppers Sam and Thelma Johnson, “Deaf Willie” never let his disability hold him back. According to his sister, Sandra Johnson-Morgenstern, a vice president who oversees new acquisition leverage at Goldman Sachs, Willie enjoyed all forms of music from an early age, even though he couldn’t hear any of it. Read the full story

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — The Republican National Committee (RNC), in a move that now appears to have backfired, recently conducted a number of related polls designed to demonstrate the popularity of Sarah Palin. The RNC refuses to release the data officially, but sources within the RNC’s central council have revealed that Americans chose aging pop star David Cassidy nearly 2 to 1 over the fading politician. Read the full story

Mexicali, BC, Mex (Noticias Mexicanas) In these troubled economic times, some doubt the old paradigms of Democrat and Republican remain relevant, pointing to ever growing fragmentation on both ends of the political spectrum. Their thesis seemed to gain credence this week, in the splintering of yet another splinter group. Read the full story