Due to what some non-theists like to call a “gaping hole in theism”, General Mbutu Ngariao, perhaps best known as the Rape General, third in command during the Rwandan genocide, has been able to eleventh-hour-apologize and slip his way into the Kingdom of Heaven.

“We recognize that the whole ‘just accept Christ as your Lord and Savior’ bit may be something of a loophole, but it’s part of our doctrine and the very way we’re able to bring so many into Read the full story

Kampala, Uganda (GlossyNews) — Standing proud amidst the smoldering remains of fuel trucks and personnel carriers, 11-year old Ogwambi Sumwego, a commander in the Youth Corps of the Lord’s Resistance Army, screamed “no tags-back” to the fleeing government soldiers.

According to the small-statured Sumwego and his band of pre-teen freedom fighters, the proclamation was meant to assure there would be no retribution for the swift and brutal attack on Ugandan Army troops and supplies.

“I called it,” Sumwego announced while high-fiving his vicious but socially awkward preadolescent soldiers. Read the full story

Legendary confederate statesman Strom Thurmond one time tried to trade away a holiday to celebrate the life of Civil Rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in exchange for a national day honoring Confederate General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, who was born on January 21, 1824.

Thurmond’s behind the scenes efforts late in his life were revealed this morning in personal papers only recently released to the public. Read the full story

The Glossy News, in an effort to bring you the finest, most accurate and comprehensive news available, has compiled this errata information after a review of articles published in 2009. Although we do technically wish to apologize for any errors that may have crept into our news stories from time to time throughout the year, we do so with an air of lackadaisical indifference. Read the full story

A UN convoy has finally arrived in rebel-held territory in the Devastated Republic of Congo, bringing supplies to some of the 250,000 refugees displaced by the civil war.

It is the first aid – or meal – since the August Bank Holiday barbeque for those stranded in areas controlled by the simian forces of megalomaniac rebel commander Field Marshall Bonkers N’kunta. Read the full story