Tag Archive | "Catholicism"

Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass


WASHINGTON – Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope’s water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.

Luckily when the Pope’s throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.

Bath explained: “It’s well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope’s holy water.”
“Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope’s glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won’t call it a holy grail exactly— I don’t have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it.” Read the full story

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God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers


ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Read the full story

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Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church


The planet breathed a sigh of relief today as Pope Francis finally announced the official closing of the Catholic Church and End of All Christianity.

In a largely unanticipated statement, Pope Francis once again departed from papal tradition when he continued his recent trend of demonstrating a moderately sane perception of the states of society and religion in general and Christianity in particular by announcing that henceforth there shall be no Christianity whatsoever, as the act of worshipping had become so perverted throughout history as to warrant the abolition of such behaviors altogether. Read the full story

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