Medical Science Identifies Source of Chronic Left Butt Cheek Pain

In recent years, more and more males have suffered from a chronic pain in the non-facial left cheek. Now medical science has identified this left butt pain as SRCA or severe rewards card accumulation.

SRCA is a slowly developing condition brought on by the ongoing acquisition of more and more loyalty and rewards cards.

As a sufferer acquires additional pieces of plastic, his wallet grows in size to the point where it burrows into his left gluteal muscle thereby causing discomfort and pain.

Years ago, SRCA was virtually unknown as most male wallets were slim and carried nothing more than a driver’s license, a health insurance card and a solitary credit card. Unfortunately, over time, wallets have grown.

It wasn’t long before the card slots in many wallets began rapidly filling up. First there was the obligatory second credit card. Then there was the frequent flyer card that, after years of limited use, earned the owner a one-way plane trip to Kansas City.

From then on, the acquisition of cards continued unabated: a Rexall card, a Safeway card and a Staples card. These were often followed by a Holiday Inn card, a Marriott card and one for Best Western, too. Wallets began filling up with other store rewards cards: a PetPerks card from PetSmart, Target’s REDcard and a loyalty card from Best Buy.

In recent years, wallet manufacturers have tried to keep up with this explosive growth in plastic cards. But even after doubling up on the standard ten-slot wallet, many men still ran out of space and had to incorporate one of more of those multi-sheaf, see-through plastic cardholders to stuff in more cards wherever space allowed.

Given the rapid spread of loyalty and rewards cards, we are almost certainly on the verge of a posterior pain epidemic. The time for action is now. We must halt this health hazard before it cripples the entire male population.

So if you suspect that a friend or loved one is suffering from SRCA, help him break the card-acquiring habit and relieve that annoying pain in the rump. If you’re unsure if someone close to you is a victim of this insidious condition, check for these telltale signs and symptoms:

* Does the individual frequently experience lengthy delays in checkout lines searching for the right card or cards?
* Does the person drive out of his way to use a particular card for a gas fill-up even though the dollar in gas used far exceeds the twenty cents in points gained?
* Does the cardholder often freeze in mid-purchase, not knowing which combo credit card to use?
* Does your friend or loved one lack a rewards card filter, viz. is he unable to say no to the latest card offer?

If you know someone who experiences one or more of these symptoms, he is likely a SRCA sufferer and needs help now. With some gentle but firm intervention, that person can learn to let go of his hoard of plastic cards and forego the pain and humiliation associated with having a large protuberance in his back pocket.

Except maybe for a credit card or two. And perhaps that frequent flyer card, just in case. And you’ve got to have your Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts cards, right? For now, maybe it’s best to take it one step (and one card) at a time.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This condition should not be confused with pain in the right male butt cheek, as our best research on WebMD says that’s probably ass cancer.

Author: Dave Martin

Dave Martin's humor and political satire have appeared in many major North American newspapers including The N. Y. Times, The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune. His latest humor collection is entitled "Screams & Whispers" available on Amazon.com and he blogs at www.davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.com.