Tag Archive | "budget"

Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: “Work B**ch”


WASHINGTON — In an odd turn of events yesterday, Pop Icon Britney Spears weighed in on the current Capitol Hill gridlock with a message aimed squarely at Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

According to Spears, “You better work bitch (x4).”

While Spears did, in fact, deliver the message via a music video, the 31-year-old singer claims the Youtube hit was somehow leaked prematurely with falsified lyrics. Read the full story

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Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move


In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House.

When reached for comment, President Obama said:

“In order to better serve our country, I need to have a clearer view of our future.”

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Pelosi Uses Assault Weapon, Averts Federal Shutdown


Days after an assault weapons ban was removed from a gun violence bill in the Senate earlier this week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, entered house chambers on Thursday, legally equipped with a SIG SG 550 assault rifle.

Pelosi carried the weapon at her side as House members were meeting to vote on a short-term funding measure to keep the government running beyond the end of the month. The bill, which cleared the Senate on Wednesday, was awaiting it’s final passage in the House to avert a shutdown. Read the full story

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Sequester: Museum to Open for Just 5 Minutes a Week


INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Museum of Art (IMA) has announced plans to scale back its opening times, insisting that from August 1st it will only open to the public 5 minutes a week.

According to museum CEO Maxwell L. Anderson, the rescheduling is a “necessary step during these trying economic times.”

“It will just mean that our customer base will have to make multiple visits to the museum each year,” he said. “And while we do encourage people to spend three of their five minutes walking around our wonderful gift shop, the museum itself is still free to enter. Read the full story

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Corporations Broker Historic Repub/Dem Compromise to Boost U.S. Economy


As unlikely as it may seem in the throes of an increasingly vicious national election, U.S. Republicans and Democrats appear to be in agreement on providing a major stimulant to the economy – the elections themselves.

Now that corporations are properly recognized as people and money as free speech, the coffers of both parties are filled to overflowing.

I was having a drink with a corporation the other day, and she explained (Disclosure: I had left my free speech in my other purse, so she paid the bill). “Our new ability to spend as much as we want to buy elections means that this can be a major source of economic activity.” Read the full story

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Is GlossyNews Editor Brian K. White Secretly a Moderate?


An ultra-conservative friend of mine recently wrote to me saying that he’s read my stories, but secretly suspects that I might not be as left-leaning as I come across in some of those articles. To him, I said “you’re probably right,” and wrote this open letter in response.

And for those of you scoring along at home, I’ve included copious amounts of links and citations. Feel free to check my work.

Is Editor Brian K. White Secretely a Moderate?

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Insane Debt Levels suddenly Uncool


Just as no one knows the cause of earthquakes, sudden mass culture changes are a matter of great mystery to sociologists. History is rife with instances of these shifts. Communist Russia was seen as heroic, but then all of America changed its mind in 1946. Cigarettes were once the epitome of cool, but now smokers are pariahs huddled outside office buildings as if waiting for the next train to Auschwitz. And of course, there’s Adam Lambert. Read the full story

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GOP Claims Use of Categorical Denials Indicates Supreme Leadership Skills


The Daily Trough reports that Grand Old Party Speaker of the House John Boehner has categorically denied political and special interests in current GOP debt-ceiling strategies.

A spokesperson on behalf of the party, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said, “We categorically reject that our aim is to obstruct any and all efforts by the Obama administration to work out a compromise. We are absolutely interested in compromise and serving the people of this great nation. Read the full story

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Joe Biden Smacked on Nose, Sent Back to Cage


Washington, DC – Vice President Joe Biden found himself in hot water Monday evening, after his latest verbal faux pas. While being interviewed by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Biden referred to House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) as “a sawed-off, four-eyed runt who doesn’t understand that you have to spend money to get out of debt.”  

Though the comment earned a hearty guffaw from Matthews, one of the two handlers assigned to Biden by the Obama administration promptly smacked the Vice President on the nose with a newspaper and ordered him back to his portable cage. Read the full story

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Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic


People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown.

Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to portray the GOP as heartless, and freshmen Republicans ready to demonstrate their budget cutting bona fides. Nobody foresaw that government shutdown would come due to the hospitalization of the entire Senate and House of Representatives. Read the full story

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Garbage Men: (Cost) Effective Substitute for Teachers


Thousands of untrained staff – including night club bouncers, postmen, driving instructors and even binmen – are being used as “cheap labour” to cover for absent teachers according to a report leaked by disaffected snitches at the Ministry of Education. Read the full story

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Posted in Kidz Zone, SocietyComments (0)

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