Prominent Features, Apps & Uses
From: Apple Marketing
To: Executive Board
CC: Research & Development [R&D]; Internal Animal Safety Representatives [ASF]
We know you are as pleased as we are that sales keep booming as we produce new iPhone generations to make older versions obsolete. Even geezers and ex-Luddites would fight somebody trying to wrestle away our devices. Since, however, an excess of 3 billion people worldwide use at least one of these ubiquitous treasures, we are concerned the smartphone market is becoming saturated.
We marketers, in the spirit of American capitalism, propose that R&D seek ways to produce iPhones that have prominent features, apps and uses appealing to other species. We are copying our miniscule ASF department, usually needed only to oversee commercial shoots or beat back concerns about our plants harming so-called threatened species, in the event our people might need to get involved to ensure other species aren’t hurt (wink, wink) in testing. Nobody, of course, would want pulsing electrical waves to make a fly’s wings melt.
Below find potential buyers among other species and features, apps and uses that might sell them on our product, and a succinct summary of the benefit to them:
Elephants (Dropbox) – Augments vaunted memory storage
Dogs (IM) – Avoid leg lift messaging on bushes and hydrants
Snails (Gmail) – Upgraded from snail mail
Armadillos (Urban Armor Gear Monarch Case) – Rugged protection
Tortoises (5G Mobile Network) – The hare finally goes down
Homing Pigeons (GPS) – E.T. would also have loved this tracking app
Moles (Phone lights) – Holy Moley! Seeing in the dark
Brood X Cicadas (Ashley Madison) – Discreet hookups every 13-17 years
Wildebeest (Waze) – Commutes (a.k.a., migrates) with 1.5 million other creatures
Horses (Zappos) – They nail good shoes
Molas or Ocean Sunfish (Marco Polo) – Tracking 300 million eggs spawned in one go
Beavers (Calculator and Home Depot) – Ordering dam building materials
Nightingales (Karaoke-A-GoGo) – Poets and ballads laud night song
Mice (Remote Mouse) – Vital to every [eco]system
Robins (Twitter) – Rockin’ Robin prexy went tweet, tweet, tweet.
Hippos (Photoshop) – Slim downed in selfies
Pigs (Fox News) – Rooting around in slop
Gazelles and Giraffes (N.B.A.) – Following kindred spirits
Kangaroos (Pocket) – Holds valued things
Trout (Netflix) – Streaming: a way of life
Bats (MLB App) – Balls? See giant mouse lemur
Porpoises (Zoom) – Schooling priority even in Covid-19 times
Chimpanzees (You Tube) – Never met a camera they didn’t like
Pound Dogs (Facebook) – Best Friend me, please!
Tomcats (Ovia Fertility and Cycle Tracker) – Heat seeker
Dolphins (Babbel) – Have own language; learn English?
Gray Whales (Pokemon Go) – Get around: migrate 14,000 miles
Cane Toads (Uber) – Mr. Toad’s wild ride on pythons
Nile Crocodiles (QAnon) – Burrowing into deep state, 39 feet under
Honey Bees (Just Dance Now) – Shake behinds to communicate
Gut Bacteria (Salesforce) — Seamlessly integrating disparate systems
Spiders (Echosec Beacon) – To avoid spinning dark web
Penguins (Rent My Wardrobe) – Tuxedos and formal wear
Red Foxes (WebMD) – Helps determine if prey’s “playing possum”
Vultures (DoorDash) – Swooping in when dinner gets left
Bears (SleepIQ) – Promises good season’s hibernation
Roosters (Clock Alarm) – Old wakeup call for the birds
Goldfish (Movesum) — Counting laps instead of steps
Mosquitoes (Vampify) – Animated vampire better look
Gorillas (TED) – “Talking” and “chest beating” with the best
Bonobos (Pleasure Machine) – Primate’s sexual behavior features variety
Owls (Kindle) – Reading’s a good way to get/stay wise
Viruses (Pac-Man) – Gobble up cells one at a time
Swallows (Google Calendar / Weather) – Don’t miss Capistrano flight
Ants (Redecor) – Home design no game for colony
Arctic Terns (AirBnb) – Places to roost during 18,000-mile migration
Reindeer (Pornhub) – Winter wonderland for horny creatures
Coyotes (Skype) – Howling out to Eurasian jackal cousin
Caterpillar (Born Again) – Praise be! Rapturously saved
Mediterranean Octopuses — (Where’s Waldo?) – Camouflaged on sea floor
Pacific Chorus Frogs (Spotify) – With dark mask, could be “Masked Singer”
Rhinos (Mastercard)– Charge anything at any time
Zebras / Wild Horses — (Yelp) Stampeding: a.k.a., crowd-sourcing
Oxpecker Birds (Siri) – Zebra personal assistant, eating off ticks