CAIRO — Al Qaeda issued this statement to Internet militant websites:
“We regret to announce that our Premier Leader, Usama bin Laden was killed Monday in plain sight at his home in the city of Abbottabad, Pakistan.
We want to say that we will continue with our long-time intent of attacking Americans and their allies for the rest of this week, which ends today at sundown, Cairo time. Please watch your internet inboxes for an additional statement.”
In the additional statement, the group announced one small change in their at-large organization, the opening of the group’s permanent headquarters. For the initial first few months’ time, the location will be undisclosed, and all correspondence must be through a post office box in Cairo’s business district.
The box number is 5111. A once memorable, secret password for the group, and meant as a tribute to Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign password that worked so well for him.
The group added that they have approved a final spelling of their name as al Qaeda. This approved spelling was sent by press release through the normal accepted media channels.
The lone media person for al Qaeda, who would not disclose his name, explained to the gathered media in the Cairo square, that the radical terrorist group has had a quite recent change of heart and wants to be recognized in the world as an actual somebody.
“We feel that the past 10 years have not turned out as well as we had so strongly hoped and planned,” the media person said. “Where we feel we went wrong was at the beginning when we listened to bin Laden and only bin Laden. That has really turned out to be a big mistake.”
He continued, “So we hope now to become a part of the world discussion and we feel that we deserve a second chance to get it right.”
The spokes-man then turned on a Power Point slide on his laptop, presenting several Arab locations and said, “The recent public uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Syria, Yemen and, most notably, the Tea Party protests in the USA, have shown our members that we don’t stand a chance in this world as a clandestine, radical grassroots organization unless we stabilize ourselves and settle into a permanent location.”
The next slide showed the famous central square of Cairo. “We have chosen Cairo,” he stated, “since it is centrally located and is at most, a 2-hour plane ride from our satellite locations. But most important, the rent is less than half what we were paying in Abbottabad. And we have 6 floors, not three. Bada–bing, we’ve moved! We’re here and we aren’t going away.”
He turned the slides off and said, “I am sorry that I can’t show you the actual location at the moment. For the time being, you’ll have to trust me that we aren’t planning any more bombings or catastrophes. Al-Qaeda wants to become a quality, world citizen organization. We are even going to apply to the UN in New York for membership. We want to make things right.”
He smiled as he opened a small hotel entry door behind him and said, “Now if you all will come through, we’ve planned a little appetizer and cocktail reception for your pleasure. You can get reacquainted with Mr. Guiliani who is seated in the far corner with several of our members. They are waiting for your questions. Hopefully the Fox camera crew won’t be a problem. Roger is doing a documentary about our endeavor to become responsible citizens. “Do please enjoy. Allah be praised.”
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