The 2012 football season has been one plagued by unprecedented suspensions and fines by the National Football League. The New Orleans Saints have been practically suspended into submission.
The inability of a defensive player to actually hit opposing players without the threat of penalty, fines, or suspension leads many to ask what’s next?
Today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave us the answer as he adds something else to the list of bans. No its not another performance enhancing substance or an illegal hit. Bad facial hair is now officially on the list of NFL bans.
“The Porno Mustache”, as Goodell put it, “is and should not be part of the National Football League in any way, shape, or form. The NFL is a very carefully crafted brand that we need to protect, and I’m sorry, we cannot have coaches and players running around on prime time television with an ugly ass ‘stache, it’s truly embarrassing to the game. I am planning on meeting with the Chinese President next month to try to take this thing global, how the hell do you expect me to explain the porno ’stache to him. Listen, I know there is some movement or something regarding the month of November and men’s health issues, and just so there is no ill will out there, the NFL will be donating 1 billion dollars to men’s health research, just as long as we don’t have to see that skinny caterpillar on an upper lip of one of my coaches or quarterbacks ever again.”
Although Commissioner Goodell wouldn’t go into specifics on who might have set him off on this latest ruling, a league source said that Green Bay Packers Coach Mike McCarthy and the Packers star quarterback Aaron Rodgers may have helped to push things along. Apparently the commissioner doesn’t have a problem with the mustache itself, and not even on other players, coaches or league personnel. However according to the same source, Goodell is starting to have nightmares about Packers coach Mike McCarthy and Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and their “scary-looking mustaches”.
Although the NFL Players Association could care less about coaches, it is usually comes to the defense of players in situations such as this. However, the NFLPA agreed with the commissioner in this case. ”We have to agree with the commissioner on this one, Aaron needs to shave off the ’stache, along with his coach, NOW. My kids are starting to ask questions and I’m not going to be explaining no porno ‘stache to them.” said DeMaurice Smith, NFLPA executive director.
Aaron Rodgers wouldn’t comment on the league’s new ban. His agent though, did offer a bit more of an explanation into Rodgers and his mustache, “This isn’t Los Angeles or New York, this is Green Bay. That ‘stache gives him street cred here. Brett Favre wore Wranglers and paraded around on his tractor pretending to be a farmer, and the people here could relate to him. Aaron just needed a little something extra to offer the ladies, and it’s either a mullet or a porno ‘stache, and he chose the ‘stache”.
Even President Obama chimed in after a press conference on spraying subsidies for Paraguay concluded in the White House Rose Garden, “It’s bad enough I have to hear about former President Clinton’s escapades after he returns from what are supposed to be foreign aid missions, I shouldn’t have to watch my Bears get beat by the coach and the quarterback with the porno ‘stache.”
Players and coaches have until noon today to shave it off or face stiff fines and possible suspensions. The Green Bay Packers have scheduled a press conference to address the the latest ruling. No word yet on whether Mike McCarthy or Aaron Rodgers have plans to comply with the new rule.