6. A Z GRIMSBY SLAYS THE DRAGON
Ain’t no atheist like a disenchantment-community atheist…? Well, an outraged A Z Grimsby does indeed insist on holding forth on the purely irrational and frivolously superstitious basis of children’s toys, especially cuddly fictive animals.
I mean take dragons for example, they may be cuddly and funny and comfy and gloriously colored, flamboyantly patterned, and so on.
But they have absolutely nothing whatsoever, nothing IN THE LEAST to do with science as we now understand it.
Yes, well, if you tell your children that there MIGHT JUST be such a thing as a dragon, even leaving the question slightly open, you are giving the irrationalists an inch…
And they will undoubtedly take a mile. Or indeed ten!
7. ‘PATRONIZING LIBERAL PASTOR’ CALLS JESUS ‘INSPIRING’
Everybody hates inspiration porn, but not everybody hates inspiration iconolatry.
Despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
You know, we’re talking wayyy beyond Charlie Sheen level here!
And Jesus, our inspiration, wants us all to follow his lead.
So let us all be inspired by this man, for he is the most inspiring of all.
Peace be upon him. We should all be respectful People of the Book. In the spirit of Christian tolerance, let us feel entirely unashamed/uninsulted/unpatronized/uncondescended-to, in our bearing such a noble title.
8. PASTOR BOBBLETON: GAY ATHEISTS ARE THE SHOCKTROOPS OF IRAN
You might think gay atheists aren’t a problem, but Pastor Bobbleton warns us of the slippery slope we are all going down, if we don’t watch out.
Well, if we let this one slide, then sooner or later, we will have similarly well-groomed, black-cloaked, glossy-haired, handsome, and fashionable Ayatollahs from Iran also running around, ordering people about, in their trendy, effeminate black capes.
I mean, you have all seen these guys, they have beards, like all the 1980s bears, is what I believe the term is.
And they smirk at you (no, some of these guys do do this, you know!), and they act all tough, but they are actually very, very weak and cowardly individuaaals…
Who need a sense of the Divine presence in order to get them on the straight and narrow again.
9. UK TABLOID MEDIA TAKES ON DODGY BUDDHIST CLERICS
Hard-headed, fiscally conservative moral panic tabloid journalist Reynard Lymington is unimpressed with broadsheet journalist Poppy Tenby’s attempt to justify the latest imaginary public spending splurge.
Poppy, imagine what would happen if every single former asthmatic, insomniac and red-headed dodgy Tibetan cleric in Britain started getting this money! Can you imagine what a drain on our public finances that would be?
10. JEHOVAH FLIP-FLOPS ON SMITING BLOOD TRANSFUSION PATIENTS
There’s nothing cultish at all about the Jehovah’s Witnesses; they’re just that little bit edgier than your run-of-the-mill straight vanilla white bread Anglicans, Baptists, Methodists…. But let’s hope to God you or your kids never need a blood transfusion!
Oh, by the way, TECHNICALLY, this isn’t a flip-flop.
Never, ever doubt our character here at the Watchtower. And FAR LESS, our steadfast and absolute certainty of the truth.
And it CERTAINLY isn’t an attempt to reinterpret the eternal, unchanging word of God in response to new circumstances.
Like, that’s something punk-ass-extremist-liberal churches like Southern Baptists, Traditionalist Catholics and Heaven’s Gate do.
11. SMITING APOLOGISM
It’s not very politically expedient to say this, but if you don’t let your kid get a blood transfusion, you are a really, really crap person, and in any civilized country, the police and judiciary should throw the book at you. But how about the Watchtower’s Lord Jehovah? It seems that even some of the world’s most notorious fanatics are angry at him for his endorsement of abusive anti-medical and anti-human obscurantism.
I mean, it’s just as well my personal subjective and historically/ideologically contingent version of Allah is on my side or I’d be proper getting F***ED in the world to come.
Like, no frickin’ shit, baby!
But I can tell you right now, you hot-gun little bookie boy.
Well, I would never, ever think about murdering my own child by not letting them get the medical care they needed!
It’s absolutely RIDICULOUS! Ohhh, you CRUEL BASTARDS!
12. BUSH, OBAMA, STURGEON: ‘INSPIRATIONAL’ SPIRITUAL SEMINARS
Three of the greatest supreme leaders, and indeed spiritual leaders, provide a guide for the befuddled.
If you forget everything else, don’t forget the one true guiding principle of life:
What’s the worst that can happen?
Now let me proclaim this.
I once hoped for hope.
And unless you hope for hope, you just can’t get hope…
This is a highly recondite and spiritually mystical point.
For, behold: I once hoped for change, and I changed myself through change. And through this, I changed others also.
13. ROBERTUS SANTORINI’S SPIRITUAL WARFARE ON WINNING-MART
Staunch conservativism advocate Robertus Santorini isn’t happy with the war on Xmas from, like, five whole Xmases ago!
Like, it’s little compromises like this, like banning Xmas pudding (shit, sorry, keep saying that, I mean, CHRISTMAS pudding), that really build up, and before you know it, we are living in a pagan, post-Christian society.
14. GOD FINDS MESSAGE FROM ALL HUMANITY IN A CUCUMBER, FANATICS OUTRAGED
God is always sending portents in food, for some mysterious and undisclosed reason. This time, the most spiritually advanced and intelligent species on Earth decides to send back our own message in a bottle.
Some of us have just had it up to here with some of your followers. We don’t mind people following you, but there is a hardcore contingent of your people who are really messing things up for us. Please would you just get these people off our backs?
15. GOD ISSUES DEFAMATION & COPYRIGHT CEASE AND DESIST
There are reasonable limits to using the Bible and other religious texts. Don’t infringe on the author’s moral rights!
Yes, I did say you could use my Word as ‘fair use.’ But I didn’t say you could just inappropriately cite it at length, word for word, verbatim every five minutes, just to cynically prove a point!
And yes, that does apply to translations too!
I mean, why on earth would you do that? This book is my property, and you can’t just go around appropriating it and making misleading connections between my glorious works and the foul and contrived speculations of your own overheated and hateful heart!
16. CONCLUDING ‘HUMOROUS’ EPILOGUE
- When is freedom of speech not freedom of speech?
- When someone kinda lets you have it, but kinda doesn’t.
Well, anyhoo. On the one hand, freedom of speech in non-negotiable! There’s LITERALLY no doubt about it, and any conceivable compromise WHATSOEVER on this score. I mean, I was in favor of freedom of speech before I was against it.
But on the other hand, I am just like, non-figuratively, I am just so MORTALLY OFFENDED by your sneering references to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and to the Tibetan Buddhist community. So, I guess you can chalk me up one damn fine ‘I was against freedom of speech before I was in favor of it,’ too!
This being the case, I just have to find some kind of fuzzy middle ground between some fundamental guarantee of liberty and democracy, and my own personal outrage on behalf of people I’ve never met.
Barnes and Noble:
(Oyster are sunsetting in January 2016. Catch it quick!)
Inktera (Page Foundry):
Also, although links are generally unavailable to Tolino, I can confirm the book is also available at Tolino.
Wallace, tell me by what authority you do these things?
Ça me plaît!