The New York Stock Exchange rose 3,000 points yesterday when news finally reached the floor of mutant second graders taking charge of financial interests in this country.
Investment adviser, William Buffington III was reported hiding in a restroom stall, quivering while stammering, “The little brat just walked up and took my keyboard. I tried to stop him but he threatened me with a windshield wiper blade.”
Many financial veterans welcomed the “change in the guard” citing renewed confidence in the formidable force of mutant second graders. Other mutants sightings have been reported across the nation.
Take Aidan Elliot, an 8-year-old Lakewood Colorado stud and part-time body builder. It took well-endowed police personnel and a “33% More Free” can of pepper spray to subdue Aidan who was fighting against authoritative figure repression. Tammy Fayette, one of the police officers on the scene, observed, “I just don’t recall second-graders being that buff, except maybe Barry Bonds as a toddler.”
So called “deranged kids” aren’t easy to push around. They’re rumored to sit for hours training for treacherous foes; using nerves of steel to drive over pedestrians, blow up zombies’ heads, slice foes with a chainsaw, or dispose of enemies in a meat grinder. Video game executives welcome the news as they’ve been touting the violently redeeming quality of video games for years.
Homer Zeckler, assistant principal at Adrian’s school said, “When I was a kid there was only the sissy video game: Pong. What kind of survival skills can you gain swatting a white dot across the TV screen? Obviously, none! We became submissive, lackluster youths quietly watching tedious demonstrations, like long-hand division, for hours.”
Visibly shaken by the incident was the school custodian, Tommy Bugerton, who had this to say, “I had my fair share of encounters with hostile, repugnant teachers but never, I mean NEVER, did I think about getting what I wanted by wielding a stick.” Aidan’s kind possess what zoologist call “instinctive braticus.” He knew the idiotic request of behaving and treating adults with respect was utter hogwash. Youngsters without it turn into sniveling, behaving, wimps.
Aidan was not short on words during he interview on NBC’s “Today” show. He said, “”I wanted to make something sharp, like if they came out, ’cause I was so mad at them, I was going to try to whack them with it.” When asked if he really wanted to kill them, he responded: “A little.” And, you know, it’s refreshing to see a feisty young lad show such remarkable self-restraint.
Mandy, Aidan’s mom, claimed Lakewood police need groveling training including hand puppets and gestures such as kneeling and cooing. Her son, who surprisingly has an extensive history of behavioral problems, apparently responds to rationalization involving snack foods and songs with farm animal sounds. She didn’t understand why the adults, who obviously had nothing better to do, didn’t sit down calmly and reason with a spitting, belligerent Aidan:
Teacher: Now Aidan darling, you know you shouldn’t tear trim off the walls.
Aidan: Die you scum!
Teacher: Sweetie, remember the song Billy the Bee sings when he gets upset?
Aidan: Die now!
Teacher: Okay now … gag …choke … baby doll, pull the sharp stick away from my throat.
Unfortunately, Mandy now is forced to sue the school district, the police department, mayor of Lakewood, the pepper spray manufacturer, the wood trim lumberyard, and the Denver Broncos’ cheerleaders (her lawyer insisted). She has no choice. It’s kind of funny that way; once you get to suing, you can’t stop.
The faithful taxpayers of Colorado are now thinking, “It’s the parent’s fault. Make her take control of the lousy kid! Why should the school district fork over a settlement from coffers filled with money by us good ol’ Colorado taxpayers?”
They’re absolutely right, but don’t let them start that submissive whining. They should take out those frustrations by throwing a few desks, spitting, then getting a sharp stick and threatening to kill someone – after all, that’s what Aidan would do.