Dear Hank,

I’m an 87 year old widower. I’ve just been told I’m terminally ill, with only six months left. I would like to party with 20-year-old blonde hardbodies in the time I have left, but there aren’t any in my nursing home and I’m a quadriplegic confined to my wheelchair. What are my options?

-Sagman in Saginaw

Dear Sagman,

As usual, you’ve come to the right place for answers. There’s nothing sadder than a man preparing to leave this earth without at least once having the opportunity to party with some young blonde hardbodies ready to make a dying man’s dreams come true.

You are not going to believe your luck. I was able to find a Nevada not-for-profit organization that provides just such a service for the elderly. Called the “Give All of Yourself to the Seniors or (GAYS),” I’m 100% certain that not only are they going to grant you your wish by connecting you with those way younger than you, but they will see to it personally that you have the ride of your life.

Ah, we can see the looks on those retirement home workers’ faces the day those blonde hardbodies thrust themselves through the front door with a colorful condom balloon bouquet and a fistful of Viagra asking for Mr. Sagman.

And no need to thank me. Just enjoy.

-Hank

If you’ve got a question for Hank that you need answered, just send it in using our CONTACT page (linked at the top of the page). Remember, Hank puts the “guy” in DIY.