George Lucas Struggling to Spend 4 Additional Billion

George Lucas invented the Star Wars franchise, and with it, ushered in a new and previously unimagined era of movie merchandising. While he struggled to find ways to spend his first two billion dollars, he’s really at wits end now that he is saddled with four additional billion dollars.

Earlier this year the Disney Corporation purchased LucasFilms for $4.05 billion, and if you thought ol’ George had trouble burning through the first couple billion, his problems are now magnified by a factor of three.

RIGHT: George Lucas seen here choking on a $3million dollar fistful of diamonds he purchased just for fun. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

“Well I’m just not sure what to do,” said Lucas’ body double, hired for $1,000/hour to stand in for him.

“I’ve usually spent my massive fortune investing in future Star Wars projects, but now that all seems kind of hopeless.”

Jason Bergsrtombloom, the Lucas surrogate, is a UC Berkeley Law graduate, with honors, which is why he was chosen to stand in. It seems his adeptness with words makes him ideal to be a de-facto Lucas in place of the real one, since his time is now apparently worth so much it would make no sense to do an interview even with Trump, God or even the conjured Darth Maul.

“Listen, this transaction just made sense for everyone. Disney makes great films, and if they want to pursue [the Star Wars] franchise for another ten or eleven films, providing we can still make a few thousand different collectible toys per film, we’re all for it.”

We inquired about how Lucas would spend his new-found fortune, and were reassured by his surrogate that, “there are many places in the world where nations can be bought and sold on the open market. That’s completely legal. What Mr. Lucas, and by that I mean me, by extension, wishes to do with his fortune is of no concern to moviegoers around the world.”

It is rumored that the unrest in Tunisia has subsided due to an unprecedented influx of humanitarian aid, though it is further rumored that crippling strings are attached. A representative from LucasFilms speaking on background explained that, “yeah, he’s bought Tunisia. Tattooine is now a real place.”

Lucas himself remains unavailable for comment, though his surrogate said, “no that’s not true, I’m George Lucas. I was on the Colbert Report, don’t you recognize me?”

The man in the interview was in his 20s, wafer thin and almost completely bald.

Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.

4 thoughts on “George Lucas Struggling to Spend 4 Additional Billion

  1. He just didn’t want to spend his hard earned cash on more Star Wars movies. Let Disney cripple themselves further, that’s his motto.

    1. After this article was posted, Lucas announced what he's doing with the money… yeah, ALL OF IT to charity… I'd like to think I had no small part in his $4billion dollar decision. You're welcome, starving children of the world.

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