Hillary Trashes Bill on “Oprah”

Chicago – In a widely anticipated appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered her sympathy to Jenny Sanford, the wife of admitted adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. To the audience’s surprise, Mrs. Clinton then addressed nagging questions about her own marriage to Bill Clinton.

”Did I know Bill to abuse women? Yes. Did I know him to ignore his duties to pursue tawdry affairs? Of course. Was I restrained by the Secret Service from clocking him with a lamp? Absolutely. I’m sure many Americans wanted to slap him upside the head after Lewinsky. His behavior was wrong. I would have left him had I not realized that I could ride the scandal right into my own Presidency and from that position serve as a champion of the world’s poor and helpless, especially the little ones who . . . .

Interrupting, Winfrey said, “So, you stayed with him . . . for the children? But let me ask you this: you knew what he was like from the beginning. Why didn’t you leave him 30 years ago?”

“Well,” Mrs. Clinton responded, “the truth is, I figured he was headed for big things, and I needed him to pull me along as he rose. Sure, Obama came out of nowhere and stole what was rightfully mine, but that wasn’t Bill’s fault; he was always right there for me. I could no more divorce him than I could announce that I won’t challenge Obama for the nomination in 2012.”

Probing, Winfrey asked, “Aren’t you concerned that your husband’s behavior will embarrass you again at some point, seriously damaging your prospects?” “No,” Mrs. Clinton replied. “It wasn’t so much that Bill philandered but that he was caught. A lot has changed. The Secret Service and my State Department agents are all over him 24/7 now and report to me. He can’t be alone with any woman who’s not a relative without my say-so.

“With Bill under my boot and resigned to living the life of a eunuch, I don’t have to worry about bimbo eruptions. Come to think of it, since I cut off his Viagra, that horndog can’t have bimbo eruptions any more. With no sauce for the gander, his goose is cooked [cackle].

The interview ended with Clinton asking Winfrey for her support in 2012: “Oprah, you and I, we’re sisters; we have our entire reproductive systems in common. With Obama, it’s just skin color. Give it some thought. Anywhere in particular you want to be appointed ambassador?”

Author: Sagman44

Sagman44 was born in Brooklyn and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Sagman44 began a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. One legacy of Sagman44’s time in education: his distaste for arrogant teens and the expression, “F--- you.” He spends his spare time roaming the city with a can of spray paint, examining subway walls and tenement halls, adding “th” to the curse wherever he finds it.

1 thought on “Hillary Trashes Bill on “Oprah”

  1. “I would have left him had I not realized that I could ride the scandal right into my own Presidency and from that position serve as a champion of the world’s poor and helpless, especially the little ones who . . . .”

    If she would have taken a ride on Bill instead of ‘the scandal,’ maybe she wouldn’t have anything to bitch about right now.

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