Glossy News Classics IX: Kilroy’s “ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market”

Glossy News Classics IX: Kilroy’s “ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market”

ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market for millions of dollars. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently tapping. Comics.

While CIA analysts concede that ISIS is the best funded, most sophistocated terror network the world has ever seen, they conclude, “They ain’t Hydra.” This may appear reassuring, but when one considers the fact that Hydra does not exist and ISIS does, it brings into question the CIA’s grip on reality. Then things got weirder. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics VIII: Rfreed’s “Second U.S. Civil War Ends In 2017- America Divided East & West”

Glossy News Classics VIII: Rfreed’s “Second U.S. Civil War Ends In 2017- America Divided East & West”

NEWS OF THE FUTURE- April, 2018 — Many changes have come to America in the years since the second Civil War in 2017. As you well know the increasing partisan tensions between the Democrats and Republicans, brewing in intensity for the last 50 years finally reached their zenith and prompted the great divide that split our once mighty land into two hostile parts. Continue Reading

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Two More Glossy News Classics Coming! American Dystopia & Theocratic Dystopians!

Two More Glossy News Classics Coming! American Dystopia & Theocratic Dystopians!

For the next couple of days, you’ll see more great Glossy News Classics from our back catalogue!

First, Rfreed with a strangely prescient view of the near-future USA… Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics VII. P. Beckert’s ‘GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration.’

Glossy News Classics VII. P. Beckert’s ‘GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration.’

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Patti’s corpus is vast and well worth reading. Explore it!

***

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (3/3)

Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (3/3)

Last time:

“How could it come to this?” Obama asked more to himself than to the others.

“How did it happen? Because we weren’t paying attention, that’s why! We slowly let the hooligans get more and more power and let them chisel away our real freedoms until the common man had so few left that he didn’t even have the power to defend them!”

“And Washington let it happen,” murmured Obama.

The story continues: Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (2/3)

Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (2/3)

Last time:

“Why did you do such a damn fool thing?” asked Obama.

“Because, I am your guardian angel,” answered the man.

“What? Now I’ve heard everything!” retorted the President.

“Well, I am here trying to earn my wings by helping you.”

“I’ve had enough for one night! I wish I had never come out here. I wish I had never become President. God, I wish I had never been born!” he stated in exasperation.

“Your wish is my command!” and the little man closed his eyes and blinked in I Dream Of Jeanie fashion.

The story continues: Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (1/3)

Glossy News Classics VI. rfreed’s President Obama Stars in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ (1/3)

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Keep reading rfreed’s work! 

Now, this one is interesting…

***

President Obama gazed down from the icy bridge into the swirling frigid waters of the Potomac below him.

In the darkness of the night the distance between him and its whirlpools seemed vast.

He was at an end.

The difficulties of his Presidency seemed as dark, endless and foreboding as the waters he looked down upon. Continue Reading

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Charlie Hebdo Reading List (2/2)

http://glossynews.com/society/religion/201501100332/khomeinisexuality-meet-irans-radical-love-cleric-part-169-jizz-be-upon-him/

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Charlie Hebdo Reading List (1/2)

Charlie Hebdo Reading List (1/2)

In part one of this Charlie Hebdo commemoration editorial, I said:

After the Charlie Hebdo Massacre in January 2014, Glossy News published many Hebdo-related pieces; and even later on, as well! Some of the material was commentary; but we also had our usual funny ‘fake news’ stories, and various other humorous material. See list at the end of part 2 of today’s anniversary editorial on Charlie Hebdo.

I now provide you the list I mentioned. The list may well not be exhaustive; but if by any chance, I have missed anything out, I trust readers and writers will forgive me. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics V. Wallace Runnymede’s Charlie Hebdo Essay (2/2)

Glossy News Classics V. Wallace Runnymede’s Charlie Hebdo Essay (2/2)

Last time:

Yet even so, concerning ‘limits’ to satire, I will affirm that I do reserve the inalienable right to treat religion as not pristine, as not above theoretical critique, or above satirizing, or above ‘blasphemy.’

And I have little to no respect for anyone who makes religion exceptional, in terms of the inalienable right and sovereign prerogative to criticize and satirize; an entitlement and a ‘privilege’ that can and must be shared be all like, without neither cavil nor complaint.

‘Shame on me,’ indeed!

Oh, and on that note, have you ever seen the passionately committed post-match comments of Andy Tate, the Manchester United supporter? If you have seen his devotion and commitment even once, is it possible to believe that religion is somehow more ‘precious’ or ‘sacred’ than any other love or ideal or commitment? Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics V. Wallace Runnymede’s Charlie Hebdo Essay (1/2)

Glossy News Classics V. Wallace Runnymede’s Charlie Hebdo Essay (1/2)

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Charlie Hebdo occurred for me when I had not  been long in the business of satire writing.

I grew defiant; the greater the fear, the greater the perversity and stubbornness.

This essay is a lot longer than our usual fake news humor or opinion pieces; it’s pretty much a long-form piece.

However, I hope you still take the time to read it, as it may be of interest to some of you.

The essay also appears in the first volume of my free ebook series of satire compilations, Wallace Runnymede Satire Catastrophes: https://books2read.com/u/m0vyVb

***

Dedicated to the unforgettable and shining martyrs of Charlie Hebdo and Hyper Cacher. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics IV. Rfreed: A Return to ‘T’was the Night Before Christmas’

Glossy News Classics IV. Rfreed: A Return to ‘T’was the Night Before Christmas’

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

One of our very best writers puts a new spin on an old classic!

Excellent work, rfreed!

***

A RETURN TO TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
we were all totally soused. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics (III): Kilroy’s ‘4 Out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit to Liking Dick’

Glossy News Classics (III): Kilroy’s ‘4 Out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit to Liking Dick’

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Some satire is refined, sophisticated, and classy; see, for example, The Satirist of Dan Geddes. 

But sometimes, you can’t be arsed with a steak filet, and you just want a nice, greasy, roadkill hamburger!

I hope you will perceive this as one of the most pointedly prominent Dick jokes in the history of the satire media!

And another article tomorrow will point you to some more of them…

***

Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics (II): Tim Jones’ My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump

Glossy News Classics (II): Tim Jones’ My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Welcome to number II of the occasional series delving into our voluminous back catalog, here at Glossy News. Tim Jones has produced a large body of satire for us; but his well-honed, polished pieces are abundant in quality, and not only in quantity! It may seem a little odd to see such a recent piece being characterized as a ‘classic,’ but I have to say that the merciless ‘dry humor’ here is just superb. 

***

Donald Trump is a great American. In the past nine months, he has done a masterful job of uniting millions of Americans from all different backgrounds – admittedly mostly by uniting them in their deep hatred and fear of Donald Trump. But that’s simply because they’ve not gotten to know him the way I have.

If only he had more TV exposure, then people would see the light. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics (I): Benjamin Cain’s ‘Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational’

Glossy News Classics (I): Benjamin Cain’s ‘Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational’

NOTE FROM WALLACE: As one of the very longest running fake news satire outlets of all time, Glossy News has had a lot of classics over the years. Here’s one of the pieces that really stood out.

In my opinion: you’re already doing well if you can put good content in the mouths of your satire personas. But to mimic their style is really quite an advanced skill. Well done Benjamin!

***

Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Continue Reading

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