Author: A. Russell
Breaking: Washington Will Ditch Offensive Redskin Mascot for 2013-14 NFL Season
Landover, Maryland: In a decision reached last week by franchise owner Dan Snyder, The Washington Redskins will kick off the 2013-2014 season with a new name and mascot. The official date for the name change is July 25, the same…
State Department Issues Travel Warning for Surface of the Earth
The State Department has issued a warning for people traveling throughout Terra Firma and surrounding bodies of water. The warning came after officials at the Bureau of Consular Affairs identified explicit dangers in the 196,939,900 square-mile area, ranging from excessive…
Fiscal Cliff Progress: Obama, Boehner Agree 16,375,434,000,001 “a Real Number”
As President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner continue “fiscal cliff” negotiations, preliminary reports say that despite the inability of the human brain to conceptualize 16 trillion units of anything, both men have agreed to pretend that’s how…
Unphotogenic Cops Pushing ‘No Filming Police’ Legislation
The Chicago Supreme Court has struck down a plea from attorneys hoping to ban citizens from filming police officers in public because being on camera is making many unphotogenic cops feel really uncomfortable. The decision came after judges decided that…
Scientists Dismayed As BP Throws More Oil-Absorbent Cash at Gulf
Since the 2010 explosion on the Deep Water Horizon offshore oil rig, which killed 11 people and spilled 205 million gallons of crude oil, British Petroleum has been pumping billions of oil-absorbing dollar bills into the Gulf of Mexico and…
Heartwarming Story Emerges out of Massacre in Sudan
While unearthing a mass grave in the South of Sudan, a country where religious division fuels an ethnic cleansing that provides a bloody front for a resource war, a Red Cross forensics worker found a puppy, alive among the remains…
Despite Inexperience, Local Narcissist Ready For Debut MMA Fight
Donnie Dimaggio, a 27 year old Las Vegas bartender, has decided that despite having virtually no experience in the realm of combat sports, he’s totally ready for his first Mixed Martial Arts fight, which is scheduled for early next year….
NASA: Orphan’s Wishes Upon Star Light-Years Too Late
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed today that the star little Timmy Johannsen has been wishing upon nearly every night for the past 3 years, actually collapsed and burned out approximately 48 million years ago, thus rendering…
97-Year-Old Walmart Employee Granted Early Retirement
Norma Harris, 97, of Rogers, Arkansas, will be granted early retirement from her full time position as a Walmart greeter after 44 years of employment with the mega-retailer. Harris will be the first person in Walmart history to be paid…