If Dogs Thought About Sexuality

By: Barbara Orr

We live in such affluent times; many people have decided to define their lives by their sexuality. This has distastefully made sexuality a public rather than a private issue.

Imagine for a moment what it would look like if we assigned that behavior
to dogs. (Any offense to any dog is purely unintentional) The main task of a dog is to love and comfort its owner, be obedient as trained, eat and lay around waiting for opportunities to bark, run, play, cuddle, and look for mischief. Sex is seasonal and optional at the discretion of the owner.

If dogs had the same rampant sexual identification that is in our society
today, it would all change.

If it is a female, she would need special food, Botox, plastic surgery including breast implants, and butt enhancement, depending on the breed.

There would be many trips to doctors, gyms and personal trainers to try to
preserve her youth. Doing regular dog tasks would be out of the question.

Breeding without result would be the main life activity, abortion and birth
control would be needed. Being a regular breeder would be avoided as a litter might ruin her figure, and she would have more important things to do instead of dealing with puppies. Designer outfits would be the order of the day, spa treatments, lotions, makeup, perfumes by the gallon and regular hair (or fur) dressing. She would demand appearances on national tv or the internet, so she could publicly wiggle her butt while barking.

If it is a male, for some snazzy outfits and dozens of trips to barber shops
and manicurists would be required. For others, special grooming to
preserve the dirty look that some find appealing. Beard trimmers and
internet instruction would be required for those who prefer the long-bearded gnome just crawled out from under a rock look. Designer Jewelry, money and watches would be required, enough bling to attract the females.

He would have no time for walks or fetch since hunting females would become his main activity. He would make demands to display wealth, power and fame, perhaps even have the owner drive him around in an expensive sports car.

The LGBT puppies would have unique needs depending upon gender choice. Outfits, hormone treatments, surgeries, special garments would all be needed.

Gone would be loyalty to owners. Random breeding would become rampant as outward identification with likeminded dogs would be the primary goal. Pups would want to publicly participate with other like-minded pups in public demonstrations. They would demand rainbow flags on their doghouses.

A dog’s value does not rest upon its sexuality, and neither does the great value of any human person.

Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.

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