Tech sector analysts say Apple has already experienced some roller coaster PR rides, and the year is just beginning.

Apple stock surged last week on news of the I-Mback, a device that lets deceased people return as fully interactive holograms. Apple founder Steve Jobs was the first to be imprinted in the I-Mback, and he encouraged investors from the grave to “get on board, unless you’re retarded or something.” Continue Reading

By Guest Writer Frank Edward Jordan

The state of Israel will not forgo attacking Iranian nuclear facilities just because the US has not given it permission. Israel is a nuclear power. It has both the means and military expertise to subject Iran to a nuclear holocaust when it feels the time has come to act. One should remember that the only reason Israel did not subject Saddam’s country to missile strikes during the first Gulf War was that George H. W. Bush, fearful of losing Arab support if Israel retaliated, pledged to wipe out the Scud missiles that were impacting in Israel. But, the Knesset and the Israeli leadership were just a hair’s breath away from launching its own retaliation.

Eighty years ago, the Nuremburg Laws set out to destroy Jews from all of Germany and Europe. The survivors of that Holocaust settled Palestine under the terms of the United Nations Partition. Now, the state of Israel is a military force that, more than once, has beaten back all the nations surrounding it, and without nuclear weapons. Continue Reading

California’s Mammoth Mountain has long been regarded as superior to Colorado’s Snowmass ski resort. Smug shrugs turned to doubtful whispers this week on news Snowmass now has a huge ‘but’ to add to the friendly rivalry.

Snowmass has a REAL mammoth, and a mastodon, and a couple prehistoric bison, and a ground sloth the size of an opera singer, and I am not making this up. During recent efforts to enlarge Zeigler reservoir, the crew unearthed a huge bone. Then another. Then a lot. And they weren’t no chicken bones. Scientists now speculate the site was once the compound of some Pleistocene doomsday cult for large furry animals.

The Denver Museum has enthusiastically proclaimed it the holy grail of U.S. paleontology finds. Over 5,000 bones and fragments were found. The find is so big researchers had to call in extras to help excavate, and the whole damned place looked like an Indiana Jones movie set. Now the excited scientists are busy putting the pieces together like grannies with a naked George Clooney jigsaw puzzle at the retirement home.

The tally so far is four Columbian mammoths, parts of thirty (!) mastodons, four prehistoric deer, four Ice Age bison and a giant ground sloth. Reservoir expansion has been put on hold, and money has been earmarked for a museum to house the skeletons. The museum is expected to draw flocks of tourists for reasons other than skiing, hiking, carousing and generally annoying the locals. As if Aspen ever had a shortfall of tourists.

Tourism experts predict trouble from California’s Mammoth Mountain. The Golden State attraction now has zilch, namesake wise. A couple bears maybe, but no cool prehistoric fuzzy behemoths.

This could lead to some momentous difficulties. What if Snowmass wants Mammoth’s name? One would have to admit, it does seem more appropriate for them. Mammoth hasn’t even come up with one real mammoth yet. Unless you count that big statue across from the main ski lodge.

Sources close to Michael Douglas and his incredibly smokin’ hot wife say moves are already underway to strip Mammoth Mountain of its moniker. The coalition includes Jack Nicholson, Steve Martin, and that girl who used to date Joe Walsh. Experts say they are richer, they have more political pull, and they feel like it.

Mammoth Mountain is expected to be forced to take Snowmass as its future name. Big whoopee. After last year’s 700 inch snow dump it would have been appropriate, but not this year’s dismal minute flurries. ‘Snowmass’ somehow lacks the power and majesty of ‘Mammoth’ has. Then again, maybe if they dug around a bit they could find their own mammoth and legitimately regain the title. Or maybe find a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Wouldn’t it be too cool to have a ski resort named T-Rex?

In this politically charged election year, the controversy has entered the GOP primary race dialogue. Candidate Santorum today released a statement linking the extinction of ‘Dinosaur-Mammoths’ to Pleistocene Planned Parenthood clinics.

LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29^th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Continue Reading

The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” Continue Reading

BLACKSBURG, VA – A newly released study reveals potentially upsetting news for millions of white Americans. According to the longitudinal study, the conclusions are shocking: Black Americans are getting happier – much happier.

The study by the University of Pennsylvania, tracking the “happiness gap” between black and white Americans since the 1970s, reports that the gap has dramatically narrowed in recent years to the narrowest margin since the study’s beginnings. Fortunately for white Americans, they are, on average, still happier than their black counterparts – but not by much anymore. Continue Reading

MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Continue Reading

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure. Continue Reading