Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper…

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Posted in Science

An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

No, I am not going to write about kangaroos. I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap…

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Posted in Sports

Random Pointlessness Takes the World by Storm

Denizens of the universe have apparently discovered a favorite new sport. Called “Random Pointlessness”, or RP for short, this sport involves a fair amount of hard work and sweat, but nothing remotely resembling intelligence. Random Pointlessness was invented in Pennsylvania…

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Posted in Top Stories

Despot Job Loss Linked to Obamanomics

In yet another bad sign for President Obama, dictator unemployment numbers rose sharply again this month. Partisans at both ends of the political spectrum were quick to take expected stances, but all agree on one thing. Tyrants have been among…

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Posted in Crime

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months. “I wouldn’t have believed it…

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Posted in Religionism

Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom

Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom. Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all…

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Posted in Human Interest

Local Man Masters Art of Making Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s the staple of grade school students. The standby for financially-strapped college students. The sign that a husband has done something wrong when he opens the brown-bagged lunch his wife made him that morning….

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Posted in Politics

Newt Reveals ‘Cart Before Horse’ Campaign

DES MOINES, IA —GlossyNews GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea….

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Posted in Entertainment Television

Starz New L.A.M.E. Programming: Introducing Boobs McCannon

What do you get when you combine a female-favored programming style like “soap operas,” with manly subject matter like “gangsters?” You get HBO’s The Sopranos, which sent competitors to sleep with the fishes for the six seasons it ruled Sunday…

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Posted in Human Interest

Secret Manifesto Found Jammed In Michigan Capitol Front Door

The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday: MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING…

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Posted in Politics

GOPTea: Rock/Paper/Scissors Instead

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews The GOPTea has sent out an amazing alternate proposal to the 50 states, territories and District of Columbia to replace the various GOPTea presidential caucuses and primaries in 2012 with a complicated Rock/Paper/Scissors Contest, or GOPTea–RPS. And…

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Posted in Politics

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Makes Huge Announcement

“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major…

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Posted in Entertainment Politics

TLC Turns Republican Presidential Debates into Hit Reality Series

HOLLYWOOD – Look out, Snooki! Here come Newt and Mitt! Watch your back, Simon Cowell! The “TX-Factor” is right behind you! While television network executives grapple with the generally weak ratings for their new fall lineup – a mostly tepid…

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Posted in Politics

Keeping Up with the Ex-Presidents Broadcasts Live from the White House

President-elect Obama today had lunch with four former Presidents- Bush 1 and 2, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. George Bush Sr. from habit wiped his hands with a sanitized wipe after shaking Obama’s hand. All gave him bits of advice…

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Posted in Human Interest

Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over…

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Posted in Human Interest Internets Tubes

Humor Blog Owes Success to Worldwide Spammers

ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today…

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Posted in Top Stories

Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels

NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous,…

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Posted in Human Interest

Sociologists Claim Geniuses Will Take Over World by 2040

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively…

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Posted in Human Interest

Behavioral Therapy Teaches Polite Driver How to Be an Asshole

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice…

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Posted in Crime Human Interest

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during…

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Posted in Politics

Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

GlossyNews Launches Hostile Takeover of The Onion

Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover. As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and…

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Posted in Politics

Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date. “It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one…

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Posted in Science

Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago…

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