Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much

Sir Jarvis Armitage-Shanks, the chairman of HM Scallydale Prison’s Independent Monitoring Board, told the media that illegal phones are fuelling jailbird drug trading and turning honest penitentiaries into hotbeds of crime.

Pontificating to reporters that the only way – in his unqualified opinion – to stop prisoners using cellphones to order pizza deliveries – and arranging for their outside gangs to pull off robberies, and snuff witnesses vital to prosecutions in ongoing trials, is to employ anti-terrorist technology to jam the incoming and outgoing mobile phone signals. Read more Con-Com’s Phone System Thwarts Jailers, Criminals Not So Much

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Ask Hank: Republicans = Swoony Churchgoers

Hey Hank,

It’s become a toss-up for me here and thought you could help out, if you want…
I am and have been an atheist for most of my life. I just can’t get into the whole swoony churchy thing.

But, I have become a rather confirmed political convert and want to get a job in the next political campaign.
I lean quite heavily to the right, so I need to know which church group would be the best for me to join up with –Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian? Are there others? Read more Ask Hank: Republicans = Swoony Churchgoers

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American Democracy (What is it, What Does it Mean?)

When Alexander Hamilton signed the Constitution of United States in 1775, he defined democracy and freedom in the following way: “The sacred rights of mankind, [human freedom,] are not to be rummaged for, among old parchments, or musty records. They are written, as with a sun beam in the whole volume of human nature, by the hand of the divinity itself; and can never be erased or obscured by mortal power.” Read more American Democracy (What is it, What Does it Mean?)

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French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’, Weeds Uninjured

The Conseil d’Etat, France’s highest court, has ruled that U.S. agrogarchy bully-corp Monsanto has been lying through its proverbial teeth concerning the safety record of the best-selling weed-killer, Phuck_Up.

The court confirmed an earlier judgment that Monsanto had falsely advertised its dodgy toxic herbicide as “biodegradable” and claimed it ‘left the soil clean’ when in fact it has the half life of several millenniums and left the ground, sub-soil and water table as toxically contaminated as Hiroshima’s following their ‘August Surprise’ nuclear ‘surrender or else’ trick or treat in 1945. Read more French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’, Weeds Uninjured

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Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay

Learning that his middle daughter was jonesing to go to Columbia University, Glenn Beck refused to pay for her tuition, stating “if you want to attend some hippie, liberal, communist center of lower learning in the middle of freaking Harlem, you won’t be doing it on my dime, sweetheart.” Read more Glenn Beck’s Daughter Sells Daddy’s Drool on E-Bay

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Wal-Mart To Offer Sex Toys

Bentonville, Arkansas – Wal-Mart Corporation today announced that they are preparing to sell sex toys in select stores around the country. The mammoth retailer spent a full year on customer research and reached the conclusion that in select rural markets, where it’s stores are most popular, there is definitely a pent-up demand for sex toys among women. Read more Wal-Mart To Offer Sex Toys

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Zambia’s Political ‘Porno’ Pantomime

The topsy-turvy world of African patronage politics and the executive rule of law have just received not only a good shake up but a sound and square kick in the proverbial goolies – with Zambian President Rupiah Jaffacake being equally ridiculed as a total moron and castigated as a slack-arsed administrative failure of the Nth Degree by every jackhole and his dog – both at home and abroad. Read more Zambia’s Political ‘Porno’ Pantomime

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