Year: 2004
Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma
Macaulay Culkin, long the idol of Jacksonian worship, has reached new highs in his career and physiology this week with his drug arrest in, of all places, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Culkin made no comment about his star-turned-felon status which put…
Head Allegedly Weighs “Like 500 Pounds”
Don’t think I don’t see all you proud people walking around with your gigantic melons held high. It bugs me like a plague of locusts because I’m proud too, but my pigeon-bobby noggin weighs more than the sun and the…
Documentary 2,000 Miles to Maine Fails to Suck
I regularly accept requests to review films and do so with boisterous glee. Hollywood is afraid of my brutal honesty but, once out of the “Golden State” of California the fear dissipates and my poignant slams are more graciously accepted….
Coca-Cola Deploys 5,000 Troops to Somalia
Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager to embrace the armed forces being provided by…
Tattoo Fails to be Even Remotely Sexy
Jerri-Anne Thomas is a newly divorced, middle-aged, portly housewife who has been working hard to express the hunger of her acute onset mid-life crisis. When her sexually liberated spinster friend got a new tattoo hailed as sexy by a variety…
Heelys; Sole Wears Thin, Novelty Don’t
After three solid years of near daily use, my faithful novelty shoes, bought on a whim, must now be unfortunately retired. And why? What an insult to modern value that shoes eventually wear out. When I first bought them, I…
Heelys; Sole Wears Thin, Novelty Don’t
After three solid years of near daily use, my faithful novelty shoes, bought on a whim, must now be unfortunately retired. And why? What an insult to modern value that shoes eventually wear out. When I first bought them, I…
Brewing Up Candied Malt Liquor; 211 Skeel Reserve
-God no, what on earth was I thinking? I feel like a Lucy tripper who has just realized he triple-dosed. Alas, I will (or may,) prevail. 211 is best served very, very cold. So cold in fact that one could…