"We had high hopes. Just as late as two weeks ago, we thought membership was peaking at five people, but bastard deprogrammers snatched away two of the congregations key members." The last straw, the spokesman said, "was when someone stole Vishnayana's drum and his flowers while he was taking a dump.

"Vishnayana, a 17-year-old high school dropout formerly known as Merle Daggett and the founder of the South Carolina Hare Krishna chapter said the theft left him in tears. "That's low man, really Hare Hare low, to nab such a spiritual instrument when a man is pushing puppies." That left the congregation with only two high-pitched finger-cymbals players, and no bass sound. "It's like a body without a soul. The congregation just couldn't go on," Vishnayana said. He said the South Carolina congregation owes $175 to florists, $23 to "Haircuts Plus," $75 to a slumlord and has declared assets of $14 in pennies, a bag of rice and a green 1975
AMC Gremlin valued at $18 and $36 depending on whether the gas tank is filled.