Donald H. Rumsfeld has been in some hot water lately with the countries France and Germany, with his dismissal of France and Germany as the "old Europe," for referring to France and Germany as an "Axis of Weasels," and when he put Germany together in the same category as Libya and Cuba as countries which have ruled out any role in a possible war on Iraq or in post-war reconstruction.

At a meeting with spokesmen for Rumsfield, Chirac and Schroeder of France and Germany both accuse Rumsfeld of continuing to categorize them in an unattractive way. The three of Rumsfeld’s spokesmen assured the two countries that this is not the case, and that Rumsfeld was indeed sincerely sorry for the remarks, and will not do it again.

Then the German leader, reading from a column, referred to a quote by Donald Rumsfeld, in reference to the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, saying, “The saddest thing about this horrible disaster, the REAL tragedy here, is that there were no French or Germans on board.”

The spokesmen, slightly startled, smiled and assured the two countries that is was probably because the United States “hope the Germans and the French can join us, someday, in the exploration of space. It was not meant to be an insult, we assure you.”

Than Chirac mentioned a memo they intercepted from the United States Military, which was a directive to the Medical Division of the United States Armed Forces. This memo states, “from this point on, the Armed Forces shall refer to the last portion of the large intestine, or rectal area, that creates and forms, and eventually evacuates human waste, or ‘excrement’, from the human body, as “France”. Rumsfeld’s men, after giggling for 5 minutes, assured him that this was not intended to be an insult, “after all, it is a very important area. We are also going to call the actual act of defecation as ‘evacuating France,’ this is a great honor, you should be very proud!”

Then Germany offered a directive it discovered, that Rumsfeld issued and signed, that stated that the males from Germany and France no longer be referred to as “men”, but as “women with penises”. Rumsfeld’s spokesmen said through barely suppressed laughter, that “is was simply a way to make the bookkeeping easier, and in no way was to be insulting to either country, especially the women with penises, I mean, men.”

Then the leaders showed the Rumsfeld representatives a picture that Rumsfeld himself sent them. The picture is of Rumsfeld’s testicles, with a note that says, “This is what they look like, go get some!” Rumsfeld’s people, again said they are sure that this was not an insult, and that the French and Germans are “making a big deal out of it, and are acting very ‘testy’….”, after saying this, the spokesmen broke out in laughter for many, many minutes!

Then Germany stated, after the Rumsfeld representatives calmed down a bit, that, also in the directive, were orders to call toilet paper “German paper”, to call telemarketers “Frenchmen”, and whenever referring to both Germany and France, in order to save time and increase clarity, to simply call them “Sadam’s Butt Monkeys.”

“This was not an insult.” Said another spokesman, since the original was laughing uncontrollably, and the new one was not doing much better, “I mean, we believe you two countries are…tough…yea, tough and mean, and a monkey, man, they would be….. PISSED, I mean, a monkey in Sadams butt would be very… mean, I mean, wouldn’t YOU be mean if you were, like, shoved up inside Sadam Hussein’s butt? Damn right you would! And that’s all were saying, you guys are tough and mean, yea, that’s it, tough and mean butt-dwelling monkeys in Sadams ass. It’s a complement…really.”

Then France produced another picture, this one of Rumsfeld holding two blow up dolls, one with “Germany” and one with “France” written on their stomachs, and each with arrows pointing down to the area representing the female genitalia. “That’s probably where the dolls were made or something.” Said the third spokesman, with tears in his eyes, “ I’m sure is was NOT comparing France and Germany to female genitalia.

Then Schroeder quoted from a story about Rumsfeld visiting the Washington D.C. Zoo for the arrival of the two, new gigantic African Lions, and how Rumsfeld, watching the huge lions enter the cage, suggested naming the lions Germany and France, because they, too, are “a couple of big pussies!”

This was basically the end of the meeting since the Rumsfeld spokesmen were laughing so hard, they could no longer control themselves.

Transcripts of the meeting are available through the Defense Department. Ask for the report entitled, “The Meeting Where Those Big Pussy, Women with Penises, Craphole, No-Nut, Sadam Hussein Supporters From France And Germany Made Us Laugh So Hard We Pissed Our Pants”.